full of hate.

You make me feel so much hatred, hate feels up my body everytime I even hear your voice. You make me want to leave and NEVER come back. It's crazy, I'm crazy. I'm literally completely insane. I could care less about you, I wish you were never in my life. You can fake cry and tell your sob stories all you want, I will never feel bad for you and your bratty self. You act like the world owes you something, and it doesn't. You're not freaking queen of the world, so you need to stop thinking you are. The world would be a crazy, dementive place if you were queen. Everyone would smart off to everyone. Sometimes I just want to hit you, square in the face. But I have to be "mature". I'm fifteen years old, I'm pretty sure I'm not mature. I'm tired of getting in trouble for your crap. You're number one on my hate list, you make me cringe. I'm not over exageratting either. You're voice, so high pitched when you're being "sweet and innocent" but then when the real you comes out, everyone knows. You can't pretend to be great, everyone's caught on to your little games and mind tricks.

Life Story?

The good thing about having a blog is because I can go on, and on, and on all I want and no one even knows who I am. So you can't judge me, people have the same problems as me. &, I'm super sorry you have to go through that stuff. Okay, listen to this I'm fifteen, and when I was thirteen I found out my dad had been cheating on my mom for a really long time with a girl that is addicted to every drug you could think of. She got my dad addicted, which caused him to go mentally insane. Everything was wrong in his eyes, nothing was ever right. He hit my mom, and threatened all our lives, and I never felt safe. The fear of him was always present in my body. But, I'm gonna go back a little in time. It started when I was about ten. My nana got Kidney cancer, it was very tragic. She recovered after surgery, and one of the WORST things that has ever happened to me happened. My mamaw had an anurism. She was the person I was closest to since I was born, she was my second mom and I never left her side. She was my role model. When she had her anurism she was rushed to the hospital in a lifeforce helicopter. She stayed in the hospital for about 8 months in a coma. She woke up from it, and she had to go to a nursing home for about three months. That was torture. Now, she's paralyzed on her left side and has to be in a wheelchair, and she will never be the same. Her brain don't work the same, and neither does she. Shortly after, my dad had a stroke. It was his second one, and it was mild. But no stroke is actually "mild". He got out of the hospital. &, after that the whole dad cheating thing happened. We had to leave my dad and sneak out in the middle of the night. We had to stay with my family, and not tell anyone where we were because he was threatening to hunt us down and kill us. He's so scary. My dad is one of the worst people I've ever met in my life, but I love him so much. I'm constantly missing him. I'm not allowed to see him. He doesn't pay child support and doesn't put an effort in to see me. I now have a stepsister, that I hate. She ruins my life everytime I see her. But, yet. I still feel like all of this is my fault. Everything that has went on, is because of me. I wish I could be the person people would want me to be, rather than what I am. I'm stupid, and crazy, and completely horrible. I have an attitude, because I hide my sadness with a smile constantly. I swear, if you talk to me, you would think I was the happiest person ever. Well, don't judge a book by it's cover, because I'm not. I'm constantly downing myself, and wishing God would just make me right. Make me so my dad tried for me, make me so I was smarter, make me so that I get along with everyone. He seems to do none of that. I love God, and I'm 100% Christian, but I feel like I'm a complete mistake and I get on everyone's nerves. I'm tired of everyone jumping onto me for everything. I wish people would just live in my shoes for a day before they tell me I do nothing. I wake up early, go to school, talk to people I know that talk about me, hide my sadness, have to deal with the fact my own father cares nothing about me, come home, pretend I'm happy more, occasionlly deal with the stepfamily I don't like, excluding my stepdad. It's just all too much for me to handle. I'm fifteen, and in the past year I've been forced to grow up. I'm done.

mhm.

all our memories went out the door,
thinking about them makes my tears poor,
you traded your family for a whore,
i'm sorry we couldn't handle it anymore,
now from the pain; my heart's very sore,
i roll up and lay there on the floor,
and think back to the good days at the age of four.

as i sit there inside and watch it rain,
i do my best to hide my pain,
it's not my fault you went insane,
what you were like is hard to explain.

you and my mom had so much friction,
it's like lying and cheating became your new addiction,
and trust me that wasn't my prediction.

now i've moved on and i know how to stay alright,
i am not here to listen to you try to fight,
i'm a young girl; and i'm gonna finish my life fun,
as i watch all the clouds and rain turn into sun.

i won't let your mistakes hurt me,
that's something your gonna have to see,
i'll make it through every night,
trust me i'll be alright.

i don't need you and all your lies,
because each time it gives me more reason to despise,
i do not hate you; you are my father,
you try to bribe me, but i'll never forgive you; don't bother.

i'll find the sunshine through the rain,
nowadays, i have no pain.
i'm a new girl, it's the new me,
and try not to hurt her like you did the old one, please.

i have never in my life, met someone who hated a liar soo much, but was the biggest liar i knew..always talked about how if other ladies husband cheated on her she should divorce him in a split second..but when it came to him, my momma couldn't divorce him at all..i've never had this much anger to someone, that i thought i would have the MOST love towards..i'm the new me, i like the new me..i just need my mom, my sister, and friends..i will never ever be changed back, i'm a new page, in a new chapter, of a new book..and the other book has already been took out of the library for good. if it was easy to find the best in you, i would've already done it..you only show the worst, and i think that's your best..so i'd hate to see your REAL worst. it'll never be anyone's fault, except yours..never forget that..and when you look at the pictures of the old you, remember you messed that up, not me..

your mistake...

every time i look in the mirror and see my reflection,
i have to remember you made your decision.

and during the storms; i sit there and wonder,
how i don't have my father to hold me through thunder.

i was a daddy's girl with all of my heart,
i never ever thought we would be apart.

people say i'm sad; trust me i'm not,
because before the present,
i had to sit there while ya'll fought,
you treated my mom like some worthless, little, peasant.

you lied, you cheated, you broke all our hearts,
and now all our lives are falling apart.

it's really hard to hate your father,
but the old love i had for you is hard to bring back so,
why should i bother?

i have so much anger built up and i don't know what to do,
all i know is each day i find another reason to dislike you.

i'll be crying one moment; then laughing the next,
because with you i don't know what to expect.

first it's this; then it's that,
and my last time with you; you had a gun and a bat.

and i just want you, and everyone to see,
you made the mistake; not me.

whateverr.

to the father that made me and my family's life miserable;

i've said my whole life i get everything from you..my looks, my personality, my facial expressions..i sure as heck ain't getting your mistakes! you made some of the worst mistakes I've ever seen! I don't see what you see in a cocaine addicted hoe..is it her sunk in cheeks, her bad breath, rotten teeth, her rat's nest she calls her hair? what is it!?!?! all the memories we've made faded away in so little time..from a brand new, nice house..to the living room walls with holes you punched in them..they always say forgive in forget..well i ain't forgetting and i ain't freaking forgiving either! all your bribes won't make up for all the crap you've put me through. and if you'd like to trade making memories for getting busted for carrying that hoe's drugs then make your mistakes..i sure ain't caring..if you care about me dating so much...then why can you date who you want, even though you're married?!?!? do you want me to grow up thinking guys can cheat on me and hit me, and that's okay? when i grow up and have my own kids and they ask where their grandpa is i'm gonna say i don't know...he left me at the age 14 for a hoe..i think i'm gonna stop with this blog, let the laptop charge and do another in 30 minutes.

goodbye. [: